My Thoughtful Thyroid

About a year ago, on a Wednesday morning, I was sitting in my office after a staff meeting, when I felt a bump on my neck. So I did what I always do when something is wrong, and texted my mom. I sent her a panicked photo trying to show her where the bump was. After talking to my mom I had decided that it was probably nothing and I would wait a week and a half, see if it was still there and then start to worry. That idea was very short lived and by the next night I was so freaked out that I decided I would go to Urgent Care that weekend.

So that weekend I went off to Urgent Care in the cold Chicago weather, and unfortunately had my worries confirmed. It was a mass on my thyroid. It didn't need full on panic, but I was encouraged to see my primary doctor for blood work and other tests. Of course since I hadn't been living in Elgin for that long, I didn't have a primary doctor close by. So with my dad's help, I found a doctor and was seen about two weeks later. One blood draw and ultrasound later, we confirmed the size of the mass, but also knew that the mass hadn't messed up my thyroid levels - which was mildly comforting. (Somewhere in this time I also was wearing a boot and going to physical therapy for a badly sprained ankle - oddly enough added some relief in having something else to think of.)

Immediately post fine needle biopsy

I then get scheduled for a fine needle biopsy. And if you are imagining being poked multiple times in your neck while you are wide awake, you would be spot on imagining the experience. Looking back that was probably the worst test and appointment that I had. And probably the time I felt the most alone through the whole experience. I hadn't told too many people at this point (I think my immediate family, church choir, and boss were the only ones who knew) and sitting alone in the hospital made the whole thing feel very surreal. Those results came back inconclusive, which in my opinion is worse than having a bad but conclusive result. It left a lot of ambiguity to an already challenging situation. I was then referred to an Endocrinologist who sent my biopsy sample to be molecular tested. About this time is when I started sharing with more people. It became hard to remember who knew things, and I also started to see the value in having a support system. Those test results also came back inconclusive, but with a 20% chance of malignancy. My first thought was "oh that doesn't seem that bad, there is an 80% chance it is benign!" But that is apparently not how that works....

I was then referred to an ENT surgeon and saw him in the beginning of May, where we decided about 10 minutes into the appointment that I wanted to have surgery to remove the mass and half of my thyroid (possibly my whole thyroid if it was malignant). I knew I wanted to wait until after the summer to have surgery since I would be traveling all summer, so I got surgery scheduled and proceeded to try really hard to not think about it (much easier said than done!).

The afternoon after surgery

The first week of September is when I ended up having my surgery. It was a quick surgery, only needing to take out half of my thyroid. From the time I left the house in the morning until I was back home was only six-ish hours.

Now you are probably thinking, "gosh I don't understand the title of this blog post..." And sure, the whole process wasn't the most fun thing to go through your first year on your own, or while living 12 hours from home. But I learned a lot through the whole process and ended up noticing more little things.

The first thing being that I accidently got to spend more time with my parents. At first I was kind of against them coming out for my doctor appointments because I wanted to be a strong independent young adult. But I am very grateful that they figured out how to take time off work and make last minute travel plans over and over just to be with me at appointments. Because of that I got to spend a day with my parents in Chicago, showing them around and even seeing a Cubs game. And that one game may have turned me into a Cubs fan. And while I am very much an independent person, I really enjoyed being able to spend more time with my parents. And as weird as this sounds, this year I find myself missing those situations where I get to see my parents.

And in those first few weeks where I didn't want my parents to come out, I relied a lot on friends here in Elgin. People who drove me to appointments when I had my sprained ankle, and who sat in the hospital while I had a biopsy, and who came with me into doctor's offices so someone else could hear what we talked about and help me remember. I knew that I had a great community of people in Elgin, but knowing that people were rearranging their work schedules, and taking time out of their day to go with me to appointments, made me realize just how much of a community existed around me.

Once I finally decided to share my experience with more people, I quickly realized just how many other people also have had thyroid surgery or issues. It was amazing how those small connections with people made me feel much less alone. My grandpa had his thyroid removed a few years ago and until a year ago, was the only person I knew of who had that experience. And he is no longer with us, so the one person who I knew had a similar experience, was not someone I could talk to. But I now realize that I am one of many people who have had thyroid surgery.

Most of all, I am grateful that this experience taught me to slow down. I had to take time away from work for doctor's appointments, and I had to learn to be okay with not always working. I had to slow down my thinking to make decisions, because I was so ready to decide anything so I could just move on that I wasn't always making well thought out medical decisions. I also had to slow down and acknowledge my own feelings and thoughts. But at the same time I also had to learn how to continue to move forward through the experience.

In the two weeks I took off after surgery, I realized that I enjoyed having downtime and that I felt more relaxed with downtime. As I went back to work I remember telling some coworkers that I wanted to take some of those lessons into my normal daily life. That is harder to do some days, but I find myself missing those moments I had to rest and I had to sit and process last year.

While my thyroid has caused and still is causing turmoil, I can't help but think about all that I have learned and overcome this past year. So while I sit here tearing up thinking about the past year, it is a combination of grief, joy, and a sense of calm.