Wisdom From an Empty Train Signal

If you know me, you know that I have a really hard time sitting still. I like to always be doing something and feel like I am being productive. Sure I also like days where nothing is happening and I get to sit on the couch all day, but at the end of the day I usually feel a little bad that I didn't do anything. And if you know anything about my current role, you know that I am headed into 8 weeks of straight through travel, taking me to 7 different states. In one sense this is the most exciting thing ever for me - I get to always be doing something. I will end each day feeling productive and like something was accomplished. However, in another sense it freaks me out a little knowing that I have a tendency to not stop working or doing things until well after I am burnt out.

Now my supervisor and I have been working on taking breaks and pacing myself for the past 10 months. She has been reminding me that it is okay to take time off when I need it, and even to just take time off because I have that ability. But as we have been getting closer to the start of the FaithX summer, my life has been getting busier and I find it difficult to take time off. There are a ton of details to keep in mind and to sort out for each trip, and at times it feels overwhelming - which is then when I struggle to take breaks because I just keep thinking of all the things that still need to be done.

About a month ago, my supervisor and I sat down and picked what days I would take off in preparation for my busy summer with little to no time off (often even working or traveling through weekends). When I was scheduling those days off, I was excited and looking forward to all the things I could do those days. But in reality, it has been a huge challenge to take those days off. I often find myself glancing at my email, or thinking through the details of trips and then find myself writing to-do lists of things that still need to be done. Which I recognize is really counterintuitive to taking those days off. (And even today - on a scheduled day off - I messaged my supervisor about an email that came in today, to which I got the response, "great! now no more looking at emails!")

Which now takes me to the empty train signal...In downtown Elgin there is a train station right next to where I usually cross the train tracks. About a week ago I was driving to the other side of Elgin, and was stopped by the train signal. I often get a little frustrated when I have to wait for a train, because it seems to only happen when I am running late for an appointment. And occasionally I get extra frustrated when the train signal goes down and traffic has to wait for a few minutes, but there is no train coming. (This is because there is one more stop beyond Elgin on the train line, but only about half the trains go to the end of the line. However, when a train stops at the Elgin station, the train signal automatically goes down even if the train isn't continuing on.) And naturally on this occasion last week, there was no train, it was an empty signal that I had to wait for...for 4 extra minutes.

Except this time I wasn't annoyed at waiting. I put the van in park, sat back, took a deep breath, and was excited for the few extra moments in my day. I had no thoughts in my head, no one was trying to email me (and more importantly I couldn't email back), and I wasn't going to be late for anything. In those few extra moments sitting there I realized that this is what taking time off looks like - at least for the most part. It was the most relaxing 4 minutes I had had for a long time. Later that day, I realized this is what multiple people had been trying to help me learn over the past few months...and apparently all it took was an empty train signal for me to learn.

For an extra funny twist to this reflection, about 2 weeks ago I spoke at the Church of the Brethren Young Adult Conference. I was a last minute fill in for someone who was unable to make it, and so I spent the better part of 3 days writing my message. In my message I talked about how when we prune parts of our lives that don't serve us or those around us and prune parts that are overextending us, we don't need to immediately fill that space with something else - it is important to leave space in our lives (or actual time off work with no checking emails!).

For the past two weeks since YAC, multiple people have been reminding me about what I spoke on, and that I need to take my own wisdom. It all started with being sick right after YAC and debating taking a sick day (I have never ever taken a sick day in my life - sure I stayed home when I had a fever in grade school, but only because my mom made me). Two days after I got home from YAC I woke up feeling so sick, and like all I wanted to do was lay in bed and nap. I texted my mom, and she told me to take a sick day and lay in bed napping all day. One of my friends told me they were "team take a sick day". And when I told my supervisor I was going to work from home because I was not feeling good at all, she told me it was more important to rest and that I should consider my own advice from my message just two days prior - not feeling the need to fill empty space with something. So I very reluctantly took the day off; and apparently needed it, because I took a 3 hour nap, along with quite a few shorter naps, and still slept more than 8 hours that night.

And even after that I still didn't quite get it. I didn't understand actually taking time off. Taking time off to do anything but work and think about work because it is what you need in that moment, or even just because you want a day off. It seems I needed to be stopped by the empty train signal for it to finally sink in. So this is my reminder to myself and anyone else to needs to hear it; moments of rest are important. They are important to take before you get to a point where it is a necessity. So if you see me this summer and I am sitting in silence with my eyes closed, I am probably imagining sitting at the empty train signal.